


Mr. Hader

by DRHPaints



Category: Actor RPF, American (US) Actor RPF, Bill Hader - Fandom, Bill Hader RPF, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Cunnilingus, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Mutual Pining, Office Sex, One Shot, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:28:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27813814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: Bill develops a crush on Alec's assistant Piper, unaware she lusts after him as well.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Mr. Hader

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by AriAnonymous. Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think!

Bill hoped no one noticed. Hoped no one caught his cobalt eyes following Piper as she passed the memos out around the table. Hoped no one counted the incessant rattles of his fingers, how the tempo cranked from lulling classical to heavy metal when Piper entered the room. Hoped no one wondered why he corrected everyone else when they addressed him as ‘Mr. Hader,’ an automatic ‘Please, call me Bill’ at the ready, but leaving Piper as the exception. But more than anything Bill hoped Piper didn’t notice his preoccupying lust.

Unsure what to do, it wasn’t as if Bill could stroll into Alec’s office and say, “Hey, you know that absurdly qualified, nice assistant you hired while I was off shooting in New York that everyone seems to like? Replace her, please. Because I can’t stop thinking about her.”

When Bill first returned to LA, running twenty minutes late and jogging down the hall to the meeting in his white sneakers, he quietly slipped inside. But of course everyone stopped to welcome him back, the room devolving into a quarter hour of friendly chit chat before getting underway.

So it wasn’t until the table truly bit into the episode that Bill noticed a foreign presence at Alec’s elbow silently taking notes. Tucking a crimson strand behind her ear, Piper looked up from time to time, laughed, but otherwise didn’t contribute much. Why would she? As Alec’s assistant, and in her first days, she was there to learn the ropes more than anything. But beyond a vague notion that Piper was pretty, Bill didn’t glean an impression of her character.

Until Bill heard a knock at his office door later that afternoon. “Come in.”

Piper poked her head around, curvaceous lips smiling. “Mr. Hader?”

“Hey.” Flashing a wide grin, Bill gave a cursory wave. “What’s up?”

“Hi, I’m Alec’s new assistant, Piper.” Bill nodded in understanding and she continued, stepping inside and closing the door behind her. “Alec asked me to tell you that one of the network execs would like to arrange a meeting. Here’s his number and some times Alec is available.” Placing a sheet before him, the corner of Bill’s mouth ticked. 

Broad shoulders tensing, Bill’s fingers drummed the top of his desk. “Oh, thank you. I’ll do that.”

Piper started to turn on her heel, then hesitated. “Do you…” Biting her lip, she tilted her head at him. “You don’t like making phone calls, do you?”

Bill blinked, looking from the paper to Piper. “No.” A half chuckle snuck out of Bill and he shook his head. “I really don’t.”

Nodding, Piper smiled. “Alright, well, why don’t you just pick one of those and I’ll set it up?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that…” 

Piper shook her head. “Really, it’s no problem. I have time.”

“Well...” Scratching a stubbled cheek, Bill narrowed his dark blue eyes at the page. “If you really don’t mind...the first one would be great. Thank you.”

“Sure.” Piper grinned, accepting the paper back. “I know a lot of people don’t like talking on the phone. I don’t blame you.” Shrugging, she shook her head. “But I just turn on my ‘customer service voice’ and power through, so it’s no big deal.”

A crooked, goofy grin spread over Bill’s face as he arched a dark eyebrow. “Customer service voice?”

“Oh gosh…” Holding a hand to her flushing cheek, Piper twisted half away from him. “Yeah. It’s stupid. But...I think everyone who’s worked in retail or what have you has one.”

Elbow propped up on the desk, Bill rested his chin on his fist. “Oh yeah? Let’s hear it.”

Pale skin turning a violent shade of fuschia, Piper’s eyes shifted restlessly. “Alright, well, um…” Looking at the floor, she held her pinky and thumb up to the side of her head as a mock phone and cleared her throat. When Piper spoke, her voice came out falsely cheery and nearly a full octave higher. “Hello, thank you for calling. My name is Piper on behalf of Mr. Berg, how may I help you today?”

Bill giggled, closing his eyes and nodding. “Nice.” It wasn’t until Bill stopped himself from saying ‘cute’ that he realized he was flirting. “Well…” Picking his pen back up, Bill gave a half grin. “Thank you. For doing that.”

“No problem. Have a good day, Mr. Hader.” Piper left his office with a tiny wave.

The two of them didn’t have an abundance of direct contact, though perhaps it would’ve been better if they did so Bill could relax around Piper a bit. As it was, whenever they crossed paths, Bill tightened up, Piper offering a congenial, “Hello, Mr. Hader,” as she smiled and her voluptuous form continued down the hall.

At first Bill wasn’t sure what compelled him to keep things so formal with Piper. But then, as his dreams were invaded by piercing emerald eyes inches from his own and scarlet tresses woven between his lengthy fingers, Bill knew why. Irrepressibly fantasizing about her sultry voice wrapping around the single syllable of his name at progressively higher pitches was quite enough, thank you. Bill didn’t need it reinforced during his hours at the office.

***

Strolling down the hall, Bill knocked on Alec’s door and a muffled, “Come in,” echoed oddly from inside. Bill turned the knob to find Piper on her hands and knees, arm groping hopelessly under a filing cabinet. “Oh hello, Mr. Hader.” Piper popped up, combing back her auburn mane. “Sorry, just one second, I think I almost have it…”

Bill’s expressive eyebrows knit together as he approached. “What are you doing?”

“I…” Noise of dismay eking from her folded lips, Piper tried to flatten her arm further and failed. “I’m trying to get my good pen. I dropped it and it rolled back here.”

Suppressing a giggle, Bill looked at the overflowing pencil cup on her desk. “Your ‘good pen’?”

“Yeah.” Piper sat back on her heels, following the line of Bill’s sapphire eyes. “Okay…” Tossing up her palms in defeat, she chuckled. “I know it’s silly, but, haven’t you ever found a really good pen that, you know, just…” Lips pouted and eyes narrowed, she held her hand out parallel to the floor and pushed it forward slowly. “Glides?”

Smiling broadly, Bill nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. Hang on.” Bill set down the blu-ray he brought for Alec on Piper’s desk before going to help. Even if it was silly that she wouldn’t simply use a different pen, Bill didn’t want to admit how the fabric of Piper’s skirt stretching over her round ass made him itchy all over.

Piper stood to get out of the way as Bill placed a large hand on either side of the cabinet. Powerful arms flexing in his t-shirt, so faded the black looked gray, Bill effortlessly shifted it aside to reveal her fallen utensil. Before Piper picked it up she couldn’t help but notice Bill’s exerting expression. Prominent brows furrowed, lips folded under, nose flaring.

_ Mental note: find excuses for Bill to lift stuff. Namely, me… _ Piper nearly lost her grip on the pen again as she eyed Bill’s wide back scooting the cabinet back into place.  _ Maybe his back will be sore. I could offer to give him a massage. Or maybe he’ll get sweaty and have to take a shower. And then I could get in, too… _

Mind spinning increasingly ridiculous erotic scenarios, it was a moment before Piper realized she was gawking at Bill in silence. “Alright, well…” Bill patted the top of the cabinet and grinned. “There you go.”

“Thank you.” Holding her pen aloft, Piper resumed her seat behind her desk.

“No problem.” Smiling, Bill tapped the movie he brought. “Will you make sure Alec gets that, please?”

Nodding, Piper set it aside and grabbed a stack of post-its to make a note. “Of course.”

“Thank you.” Bill’s oceanic eyes fell on her for a moment with that smirk that was enticing and yet so infuriating, before looking to the pen in her hand. “Enjoy the glide.”

Breath hitching, Piper swallowed and hoped the expression she commanded to her face didn’t appear idiotic. “Thank you, Mr. Hader. I will.”

***

Returning with lunch, Piper delivered the offerings to those assembled. “Oh, Mr. Hader?” Piper held two cups aloft. “They had a new flavor of kombucha today. I thought you might like to try it. Lavender lemonade.” Smiling, she passed him the drink in her left hand. “But I got you your regular, too. Just in case.”

“Oh.” Bill grinned, eyes shifting as he took a sip. “It’s really good. Thank you.”

Giving his elbow a tiny squeeze, Piper beamed before she took her seat. “You’re welcome.”

Heat creeping up his neck, Bill felt like a hormone-addled teenager through the duration of their meeting, the temptation to peek over at Piper, find ways to make her laugh, Hell, nudge her with his toe under the table, nearly insatiable. But, as he did up until that point, Bill restrained himself, focusing on his food rather than the delicate hands that carried it.

***

Standing behind video village alongside Alec, Piper was glad her position allowed her to visit set from time to time, but this was torture. Bill, adorably self conscious in his robe, shifted his weight and fidgeted right up until the moment they called action.

Piper’s mouth filled with saliva as Bill exposed his vast shoulders, solid chest, and little belly, walking into frame in his blue checkered boxers.  _ Oh dear goodness... _ Staring as Bill climbed into the bed next to Sarah, muscular legs flexing as they did another take. And then another. In and out. In and out. 

_ This is just fucking cruel. How am I expected to perform under these conditions? If I get carpal tunnel, I’m filing for worker’s comp… _ Once Alec yelled cut, Bill hastily donned his robe again and padded over to join them. Piper told herself not to stare, not to zero in on the tuft of fluffy dark chest hair poking out of Bill’s collar, but her eyes resolutely refused to listen as Bill bent over to watch the playback, eyes narrowed and pink lips parted. 

“Okay.” Nodding, Bill straightened up, rubbing the back of his neck. “I think we got it.”

“Oh!” Nearly bumping into Piper when he turned, Bill chuckled. “Sorry. Hey Piper.”

Blinking, Piper threaded an unruly strand of red behind her ear, “Hello, Mr. Hader.” Piper glanced toward craft services for wont of somewhere else to lay her eyes. “Can I get you anything? Water? Juice?”

Bill tried not to focus on how close to naked he was, or how he pictured Piper wearing quite a bit less the night before. “Oh, nope. I’m good. Thank you, though.”

“No problem.” 

A beat of silence passed, Alec thankfully drawing Bill into conversation before it got too awkward, and Piper spent the rest of the day trying to keep her eyes anywhere other than those hypnotizing legs.

***

Replacing a book on his shelf as a knock came at the door, Bill turned around. “Come in.”

“Mr. Hader?” Piper stepped through, smiling and holding a sheaf of papers aloft. “I have some contracts for you to sign.” 

“Oh, thank you.” Taking a seat, Bill snapped up a pen and Piper came around to his side of the desk. 

Gathering her hair to the opposite side, Piper bent down and set the contracts before him. “It’s just there…”

Cleavage in his peripheral, Bill exercised all of his willpower not to look to his left.  _ Nope. Don’t be that guy. Focus on the paper. You are signing your name. H...a...d… _

“There you go.” Bill grinned, standing as he handed Piper back the papers.

Nodding, she flipped through the pages. “Thank you. I’ll get these sent off right away, and then I’ll be back with the…” But Bill lost track of what she was saying as the sleeve of Piper’s dress trickled down, revealing a black lace bra strap. 

Bill stared. And stared. Finally, after he didn’t know how long, Piper was still talking and Bill’s conscience got the better of him. “Piper, um, your…” Bill pointed at her shoulder, eyes darting away. “Your…”

“What?” Brows furrowed, Piper looked down at her chest. “Did I spill something?”

Swallowing, Bill snapped and pointed again. “No, your, um…”

“Oh no…” Piper covered her mouth. “Is there something in my teeth?”

“No, um…” Bill folded his lips under. His brain scuttled about like a starving squirrel hopelessly trying to unearth a word other than ‘bra’ to use in a sentence.  _ Unmentionables? No, what decade do you think this is, Bill. Over the shoulder boulder holder? Get it together, man. Come on…  _

“It’s...just…” Sharply inhaling, Bill reached out, plucking at the fabric of Piper’s dress with the utmost tips of his thumb and index finger and hoisting it back up onto her shoulder before retracting with an audible exhale. “Sorry…” Cobalt eyes slipping around the room, Bill flicked out his wrists. “I...I probably should’ve let you do that.”

Piper glanced down at her sleeve, then slowly looked up at a wriggling, pink Bill. “Mr. Hader?” Setting the papers down on his desk, Piper took a step closer. “Are you alright?”

“Mmhmm.” Lips hidden, Bill eyed Piper’s approach cautiously.

Coming around to his side of the desk, Piper barely suppressed her grin. “Are you sure? You seem a little...uncomfortable.”

“Nope.” Voice squeaking out, Bill shook his head, telling himself not to turn, not to look into her green gaze. “I’m fine. So what were you saying, about, um...about contracts…?”

Piper leaned in, lowering her voice. “Does it make you nervous, Mr. Hader? Seeing my bra strap?”

Nose flaring, Bill bit his lip. “Nope...” 

“So…” Close enough he could feet the heat of her body radiating onto his twitching arm, Bill maintained his forward focus. “You don’t think about me in my underwear?”

“Nope.” Bill answered a little too quickly, fingers tapping a Morse code of lies on his thick thigh. “That’s, um…” Adam’s apple bobbing, Bill faced the opposite wall. “That would be really unprofessional…”

Nodding slowly, Piper took a risk, hanging a hand on Bill’s navy henley. “So you don’t think I’d look good in my underwear, then?”

Bill did meet her eyes then, if only for the briefest of seconds. And there was only one word for what he discovered in their viridescent depths: lust.

“I...I didn’t say that.” Swallowing, Bill deflated a little.

Piper tipped up, swiveling in until her curvaceous lips were against Bill’s joined ear, voice a smoky whisper. “Do you think about fucking me, Mr. Hader?” Shiver crawling over his pale skin, Bill gripped the back of his chair. “Because I think about how much I want you inside of me…” Touching a kiss to the joint of his sturdy jaw, Piper spoke in a breathy moan. “ _ Constantly _ .”

“Fuck it.” Taking her face in both of his large hands, Bill rushed Piper into the far wall with a mutual grunt of relief as he captured her lips. Tongues twirling and hands pawing, Bill broke away just long enough to look at the door while a sliver of sense remained before the haze of ecstasy descended. “Fuck. Lock.” Jogging over, he pressed the button before returning to Piper and pulling her into his strong arms.

Piper fisted a hand into his short chestnut waves, lifting her leg around Bill’s waist as his tall frame rolled tantalizingly against her. Hand ascending, Bill paused at her ribcage and, eyes closed and mouth occupied, Piper lifted him to her breast with a nod. 

Again, Bill fingers trickled to her thigh, stilling, and Piper broke away from his mouth as she bunched her skirt at her waist. “Please, just fuck me.”

“Oh fuck yes.” Bill fused their mouths together with a sigh of contentment, dipping below the waistband of Piper’s panties and expertly locating her clit. Normally Bill enjoyed coaxing, teasing, but his need for Piper urgent, Bill twiddled her clit vigorously when he discovered her wet and ready.

“ _ Oh yes!” _ Piper gasped, rocking into Bill’s touch as she wedged an arm between them to palm his erection over his jeans. “Fuck.  _ Keep going!”  _ Unzipping his pants, Piper hastily crammed her hand into the warmth of his boxers, wildly jerking Bill’s massive cock.

Bill’s mouth moved over her neck, stubble grazing as he emitted a moan and hastened the ministrations between Piper’s thighs. 

“ _ Yes! Yes! Fuck!”  _ Piper buried her face in Bill’s vast shoulder to muffle the sounds of her euphoria, clutching him close and shaking. 

Revved by her noises, Bill claimed her panting mouth, large hand twisting in Piper’s scarlet tresses. Tongue swirling hungrily, when Bill broke away his oceanic eyes sparkled with desire as he cupped Piper’s face. “I want to go down on you.”

“Yeah.” Piper nodded eagerly. “Yes, please.” 

Grinning, Bill’s dark eyebrows danced as he sank to his knees and Piper couldn’t help but chuckle, supposing she shouldn’t be surprised that Bill of all people would make her laugh and cum within the span of a couple of minutes.

Tugging her panties to the floor, Bill encouraged Piper to step free before hauling one of her legs over his expansive shoulders. Bill sent his crisp jaw forward, tongue spinning around Piper’s engorged clit and relishing her flavor as his strong hands kneaded her hips.

“Oh fuck, that’s…” Threading her fingers into his dark locks, Piper rocked into Bill’s chiseled features, his rough cheeks scraping against her thighs as he voraciously devoured. “ _ Fuck! So damn good! Yes! Don’t stop! Please! Fu--”  _

Wide palm clapping vice-like over her mouth, Piper peeked down and saw Bill’s chiding cobalt eyes staring up at her as he vigorously lapped. Shrieking into his pressing fingers, Bill encased Piper’s clit with his supple pink lips, sucking rapaciously until the single leg beneath her wobbled and she dripped down his square chin. 

“Fuck…” Bill pulled away, wiping his face on his chin. “Come here.” Dragging Piper down with him, Bill hurriedly pushed his jeans and boxers down his girthy thighs as she peppered kisses over his face and snuck a hand beneath his shirt. “Shit, I…” Bill paused with his cock in his hand. “I don’t have a condom…”

“It’s fine.” Piper shook her head, lassoing him in with a leg. “I’m on the pill. Don’t worry about it.”

Nodding, Bill shuffled down, the two of them side by side against the wall. “You ready?”

“Yeah.” Piper bobbed her head exuberantly as Bill swiped over the dewy folds of her pussy.

“Oh... _ oh fuck _ …” Inching inside, Bill grabbed a handful of Piper’s ass with a groan. Piper gasped at the stretch, thankful Bill took the time to warm her up properly, otherwise his thick cock likely would’ve proved slightly painful. 

Fingers moving between her legs, Bill spun over her clit, hips driving forward. When Bill heard the loud thwack with which Piper’s tailbone hit the wall, he frowned and paused. Studying her face, Bill combed back Pipers mussed hair. “Do you want to move? Be on your back? Or on top?”

“Back.” Piper nodded, caressing his scratchy cheek. “Thanks.”

Smiling, Bill linked their lips and rolled, nearly toppling a fern when one of his long legs caught the edge of the pot, but managing to right it with the toe of his white sneaker. “Okay.” Bill grinned as the reassuring weight of his large frame settled above her and he once again moved a sizable hand between Piper’s thighs. “There we go.”

Bill swerved inside, fiddling Piper’s clit. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah.” Piper breathed, drawing up her knees and planting her heels in the carpet. “You can, um…” Smoothing over Bill’s wide back, Piper bit her lip. “Go harder. If you want.”

“Yeah?” That smirk. For once Piper was 100% pleased to see it as a mischievous glint in Bill’s sapphire eyes came along to keep it company. Not wasting any time, Bill began nailing Piper into the floor with his substantial cock. “Like that?”

“ _ Yes!” _ Piper gasped, clinging to Bill’s love handles and guiding him inside. “ _ Just like that! Fuck!”  _ Bill smothered her mounting shouts with his mouth, pummeling Piper vehemently as he raced over her clit and she flickered around him. 

Nails clawing over his henley, Piper squeezed Bill’s rapidly barreling hips with her thighs, quaking as her eyes rolled and she did what she could to contain her screams. 

“ _ Oh Piper, yes!”  _ Bill slithered his powerful arms beneath her, cradling Piper against himself as he dug his toes into the carpet and drove recklessly forth. “ _ Fuck! You’re gonna make me cum! Fuck! Yes!” _

Limbs fusing around his broad frame, Piper panted into his open mouth as Bill’s face distorted, crumbling before her as if agonized by his impending orgasm while the circuit of his pelvis grew elliptical and erratic. 

“ _ Fuck! Piper! Yes! Fuck! Fuck!”  _ Tucking into the crook of Piper’s neck, with a fluttering whimper Bill froze. Hips jumping, a high grunt tumbled out of him as the circle of Bill’s strong arms tightened around her, hot cum blossoming inside of Piper before Bill quivered and fell limp.

Weary hand tipping her chin toward his face, Bill’s pink lips joined Piper’s, moving slowly, thoughtfully as his fingers played in her hair. “Damn…” Bill exhaled when they parted, flipping over and bringing Piper with him so she would no longer have to bear his weight. “I wanted to do that for a long time.”

“Me too.” Legs opened over him, Piper couldn’t resist hitching Bill’s shirt up to rub his endearing little belly as he touched a kiss to her forehead. “Though I gotta say…” Piper glanced around. “Wasn’t expecting to be doing it here.”

Bill nodded, reaching down to pat her ass. “Yeah. Next time, bedroom.”

“Next time?” Lifting a hopeful eyebrow, Piper smiled.

“Mmhmm…” Grinning, Bill threaded a lock of Piper’s red hair behind her ear. “Then I can really make you scream.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read! If you enjoy this story, please leave a comment or come say hi on tumblr at fandomtransmandom. I also take requests!


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